Trying to get a good night’s sleep when you’re coupled up is no easy feat.
You have to contend with a whole host of annoying habits and potential sleep disturbances: snoring, loud breathing, blanket-stealing and snoozing the alarm far too many times, just to name a few. Somehow, the spouses of Twitter are able to find the humour in the most irritating of circumstances.
Below, we’ve rounded up 33 hilariously accurate tweets about sharing a bed.
No matter how hot the night is, never underestimate how cold your wife’s feet will be when she puts them on your back.
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 25, 2019
1.
My husband rolled over and open mouth snored directly into my eyes last night if you’re wondering how we keep the magic alive.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 11, 2019
2.
DATING: can’t wait to see you again
MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020
3.
Sleeping under separate blankets should have been the marriage advice everybody gave me a year and a half ago.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) January 27, 2020
4.
I found the couch blanket on the bed again. My husband must think I’m playing. Three strikes and you’re out, buddy.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) December 4, 2019
5.
Get married and spend the rest of your lives trying to figure out what to do with your arms while you sleep.
— Aunt Chelle 😷 ☕️✊🏽 (@ravenswng_) May 17, 2019
6.
Me: [giving my husband a tutorial on how to put the throw pillows on the bed]
Him: I don’t want to be an adult anymore— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) July 30, 2019
7.
Wife’s traveling so this morning I apologized to her pillow for stealing her blanket
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 16, 2019
8.
Who needs a gym, I can get a full workout trying to wriggle my way under my wife’s weighted blanket for some cuddle time.
— Jester D 🐢🧡🌎 (@JustMeTurtle) April 18, 2020
9.
Snoring dog=loving affection
Snoring husband=seething rage— jan (@JJSummertime) February 17, 2019
10.
After 22 years my best marriage advice is don't marry someone who sets his two phones and alarm clock to go off at 5min intervals and then always hits snooze for at least an hour.
— 🇺🇸E.🇺🇸 (@YourMomsucksTho) September 3, 2018
11.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes-
-the reality that you unknowingly married someone who insists on keeping the keyboard sound on as he texts in bed each night.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 25, 2019
12.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
— Betty 🪡🫒 (@BoomBoomBetty) July 7, 2019
13.
If I figure out how to put this duvet cover on by myself this marriage is in serious trouble.
— PRESIDENT BIDEN (@MommaUnfiltered) December 9, 2018
14.
Hello did your husband get up at 1:30 am and loudly do the dishes and use kitchen appliances because he couldn’t sleep? Then you might be me and you might be entitled to compensation.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 18, 2021
15.
Shazam’d my wife snoring last night and it came up as Bob Dylan lol.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) November 27, 2019
16.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 26, 2019
17.
My husband fell asleep without saying goodnight so I woke him up to say “you didn’t say good night to me, that’s bad luck!” In case you’re wondering what being married to me is like
— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) January 15, 2019
18.
Marriage is calling 8 inches of a California King size bed “the husband zone.”
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 25, 2019
19.
[lying in bed]
Me: hope I can get to sleep. so many things running through my head.
Husband: i know. i feel the sa…
Me: huh? hello?
Husband: *snoring*
Me: jfc.
— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) March 30, 2020
20.
I’m going to meet my husband at the finish line of his 10-mile trail race so I can tell him how I never fell back to sleep after his alarm went off this morning.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 2, 2018
21.
NEWLYWED: what’s mine is yours
VETERAN SPOUSE: don’t use my pillow again— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 15, 2017
22.
Things My Husband Sleeps Through:
-Crying Babies
-The Purge
-Conversations
-Explosions
-Fighting Kids
-Chores
-Sonic Booms
-The Zombie Apocalypse
-Animal Stampedes
-My Jokes
-Natural Disasters
Things that Awaken my Husband:
-The mererest whisper of Sex.— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 5, 2019
23.
Being the first to fall asleep at night is such a marriage flex.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 12, 2020
24.
Sometimes when my husband is sleeping soundly next to me I like to turn his phone's sound on and send him a text asking, "are you awake?".
— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) December 19, 2020
25.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2018
26.
Edging in marriage is just how much blanket your spouse allows you to have each night.
— Betty 🪡🫒 (@BoomBoomBetty) November 2, 2018
27.
Every night my wife wakes me up and whispers the magic words, “You’re sleeping on my pillow, asshole”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 24, 2020
28.
Me: I can’t fall asleep at night
Doctor: Okay, right after you lay down for sleep, ask your wife how her day was and that should fix it
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 5, 2020
29.
My wife does this really cute thing where she talks in her sleep and tells me how much she loves me.
So I always whisper back, “Awesome. We need a bigger TV,” cause inception is real folks.
— dADDisms (@Beagz) October 25, 2019
30.
Me asleep with an imperceptible nose whistle, wife makes me go to the guest room.
The dog snores, farts, growls, and drools on the pillow, wife makes him the little spoon.
— Bart (@bartandsoul) August 17, 2019
31.
Wife: let's try something new in bed 😉
Me: say no more 😏
*we swap sides and fall asleep immediately*
— Quilliam (@nyquills) June 28, 2019
32.
The husband & I just debated my "excessive" use of throw pillows on our bed, in case you wondered what 19 yrs of marriage looks like.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 20, 2019
33.
